KEN'S COLUMN
Some humour is called for......
Some while ago I took up after-dinner speaking again – something I always enjoy. The engagements I get are very varied: considerable numbers are from equestrian groups – but I also speak in connection with my interests in flying and shooting and economics and the business sector. However serious the topic of the talk, I try to introduce some humour – after all, it is often said that it’s laughter that makes the world go round! It is for this reason that, when an amusing incident occurs in the line of duty, I make either a mental or written note.
Now – writing this at a time when snow is covering virtually the entire UK - road, rail, air and sea services are badly disrupted - and the economy, already under siege, is further challenged – it seems a good time to recall some of those amusing incidents.
Some of my most amusing encounters are with members of the Pony Club – especially the younger ones. They have the ability to be frank and forthright in a way that their older peers, more mindful of political correctness, do not. I recall one small mite – I guess about seven – a real Thelwell-stereotype complete with rosy cheeks and two pigtails – confiding that she was very concerned for her pony’s figure. ‘She is just like my Mummy’, she said. ‘My pony loves food and it’s hard to stop her getting fat. My Mummy is the same and I heard her boyfriend telling her that she will have to go on a diet.’ I should mention that the ‘Mummy’ (‘yummy’, I must admit!) in question was a well-known socialite who frequently featured in the glossies as a lady with everything – including a perfect marriage!
Further on the subject of ‘weight’. I was at a Pony Club meeting giving a very basic talk to some of the youngest members about saddles and the important part they play ‘in keeping your ponies happy and well’. I asked, as I always do, if there were any questions. A small boy put up his hand and asked, very seriously, if saddles had to fit people too? I explained that the pony – or horse – must always be the first priority but that it was also important that the saddle was ‘right’ for the rider. I opened myself up to his final comment by adding ‘The only big problem is when the rider is too large for the horse or pony. Then, sometimes, it is isn’t possible to provide a saddle that will fit the horse or pony and be big enough for the rider.’ ‘I think that’s what my father means when he says my instructor needs another horse, a real weight-carrier.’ I have to say I felt incredibly sorry for the instructor – fortunately not present at the time – a young woman who, although undoubtedly pretty, was definitely over-endowed.
Not all funny size-related stories come from children. Two or three years back I was contacted by a lady who wanted a new show saddle for her horse. The animal was stabled in a large yard I visited regularly but I couldn’t recall having seen either the owner or the horse. Anyway, I took all the necessary details. Later that same day I had reason to telephone the yard manager and I mentioned, by name, the lady who had asked me to fit a saddle for her horse. There was a short silence and then the yard manager asked what sort of description of herself the lady had provided. ‘About 5ft 7, slim, weight about nine stone, owned horses for fifteen years’, I said. ‘Oh dear, she’s done it again’, said the yard manager. ‘What?’ - I asked. ‘Well, yes, she has owned horses for that long – but she’s always bought small show hacks when she really needs a middle or heavyweight hunter. She got me to show the present horse, which is far too small for her. On at least two occasions she’s ordered really expensive breeches several sizes too small on the basis that she’ll have lost weight before they’re delivered – and it’s never happened.’ ‘What’s your description of the rider, then?’ I asked. ‘About 5ft 3, weighs roughly twelve-and-a-half stone’, she said.
Dilemma for me. How do I provide a saddle to fit a small show hack that is patently far too small for the owner? ‘Don’t worry about it’, the yard manager said. ‘You won’t need to make any reference to the horse being too small. Best just avoid the subject. She’ll ask me to ride when you want to see the horse ridden. One day I am sure she’ll stick to her resolution and drop loads of weight. In the meantime, she is one of the nicest owners we have in the yard - she’s a really lovely person. If making her happy involves a bit of fantasy, I don’t mind at all.’
The yard manager’s description and advice was perfect in every detail – including the owner being a ‘lovely person’. Anyway – the good news is very good news. Last year she joined Weight Watchers, began going to the gym regularly – and started taking lessons on a really reliable cob. I visited the yard a couple of weeks ago – and wow – this stunning, sylph-like lady came over to re-introduce herself! Apparently she is going to do some of the showing herself this year – in small hack classes. So, in the end, it all came right.
KEN LYNDON DYKES is an SMS Qualified Saddle Fitter who specialises in fitting competition horses. He can be obtained at Saddleworld head office (01622 844440) or on his mobile (07973 501873).
